Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Wednesday morning rant: Trader Joe's

Last night I stepped inside a Trader Joe's for the first time in my whole entire total life. A friend of mine wanted to do some shopping so I tagged along.

Now I've heard quite a few good things about the establishment over the years from a number of folks.

Including, but not limited to, the following:

"Trader Joe's has naan!" or

"Their chocolates are soooo good!!! :) =) " and

"Trader Joe cookies. Oh yeah!"

Obviously, I went in with obscenely high expectations. I was already imagining myself as little Charlie in the gargantuan chocolate factory, swimming in delicious pools of molasses and caramel, watching oompa loompas party it up and all that. Instead, my oversized expectations were roundly booed off the stage like Charlie Sheen's lame act. They wilted like day-old marigolds and melted like a shitty wax candle.

They sell legitimate items like milk and eggs as a shameless ploy to hide their true motives: peddling overpriced junk to boisterously enthusiastic college kids.

Palm-sized packets of Trex mix for an astronomical $4?
An embarrassingly normal-sized swiss chocolate bar for $3? GFTO! I can easily buy ten cartons of delicious KitKat for that at Walmart!

The only thing TJ's has going for them is the free stuff. There is a cozy corner at the far end of the store where a bubbly fellow in a Bruin apron serves up bite-size delicacies for free every day, ala CostCo. Resting merrily right next to him is a comfortable pot of freshly brewed coffee.

Some day I will camp out in that corner and drink free coffee and munch on free food all day long.

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