The magnificent beard of Andrew Luck

As many people around these parts know, I am a fanatic of the NFL. And no, before you ask, I don't root for or support or cheer for one particular team. I am a fan (hey here's something I just noticed - 'fanatic' has 'fan' built right into it! Coincidence? I THINK NOT) of this beautiful, intricate game as a whole. The parity in the league, the superstars who entertain us consistently, the intensely contested games week in and week out - this all makes for an enthralling experience.

Three years ago I would blog a lot about the NFL. Every week I published an update. I stopped doing that eventually because the internet doesn't need yet another NFL blog. But I have to make an exception here. As you may (or may not) know it's playoffs time [insert obligatory Jim Mora playoffs?! rant here]. Some crazy shit went down last week in the wild-card round. In comparison yesterday's games were a tad tame. One thing stood out to me, however: the magnificent beard of Andrew Luck. Now I can grow and successfully rock a mean beard myself, but Luck's beard makes me feel inadequate. I can stare at that thing for hours, mesmerized and in utter awe of its magnificence.

This season Andrew Luck played like a beast. Despite throwing three potentially game breaking picks last week against the Chiefs, he engineered an epic comeback (the stuff that transforms men into legends), making for a scintillating viewing experience (probably not for Chiefs fans). Yes he got bulldozed by the Patriots run game (!) yesterday, but his beard made everything alright.

Take a look for yourself:

FEAR THE NEARD

The sensation that is Johnny Manziel

Let's take some time to talk some college football. Now normally I wouldn't even dream of devoting precious blog space to the mediocre world of college sports, but every now and then something happens that forces me to make an exception. This is one of those occasions.

If you are a rare individual who (for some bizarre unfathomable reason) is not acquainted with this person phenom Johnny Manziel, here's a quick recap: he stormed the world of college football (and subsequently our collective psyches) with his dazzling on-field exploits last season. As a redshirted freshman (i.e. he is technically a sophomore who sat out his first year), he went on to win the Heisman trophy, an award that despite having not much predictive value does a reasonably good job of identifying good college players. All cool? I am feeling bubbly today, so let me throw in a Manziel highlights package for ya:



You will notice this dude has a remarkable ability to escape the vicious clutches of multiple defenders and still throw explosive touchdown passes that leave you salivating for more action. Pretty soon the lore of Johnny took off. He attempted (and I believe succeeded) in getting his nickname trademarked - "Johnny Football". Don't we all wish we were blessed with such an awesome nickname?

UG Sports: Then there were three

The first four weeks of this NFL season were so crazy that the only way I can do justice to the craziness is to upend the modifier 'batshit' to crazy. Everyone and everyone's grandmother has written/ranted/spewed froth about 'Golden-gate', aka 'the one that was stolen from Green Bay', so I won't talk about the replacement refs at all. They are gone now. Let us all have the same poise as Packers coach Mike McCarthy, who phoned the guy who botched the call and left him a nice voicemail, telling him that although he didn't agree with the call (obviously), he thought the ref handled the issue with class. I will leave you with this parting gift, however. Too priceless to pass up:

Besides, there is plenty of other craziness to talk about.

UG Sports: Football's here!!!!

Aaaaah. That time of the year again. The air is thick with the stench of premature exams (I am glaring at you pharmacology) and failed experiments in lab. But then I pause, lean back, and take in the simpler pleasures of life. Rain, overcast skies, autumn. And FOOTBALL.

Two years ago, when this blog was still in its infancy and was still learning not to put toys in its mouth, I ran a weekly segment highlight major sports events. Did not keep up with that last year. But that's all about to change.

After a highly eventful offseason that saw the titillating  (Peyton Manning becoming the most coveted free agent in the history of football) to the droll (beast back MJD refusing to show up to work until a couple days ago) to the LOL (the Sanchize-Tebow circus is in town everybody!), the richest and the most badass sport in the world is ready to flex its biceps. Let this obstreperous (I'll wait for you to look it up) gentleman tell you all about it:



Now normally kickoff happens on Thursday. That's mandated in the constitution. But El Presidente is holding a party in Charlotte this week and is giving a speech on Thursday night. So the all powerful Emperor league commissioner Roger Goodell deferred, and with a wave of his wand declared Wednesday season opener.

UG Sports - 15: The ballad of Tim the Linecum

So unless you lived under a rock last October, you have probably heard of Tim "The Freak" Lincecum. There's something about that guy that strikes me as awesome. Maybe it's the fact that he's a power pitcher at 160 lbs or maybe it's the fact that he looks like Michael Phelps with girl hair. Or maybe it's the fact he listens to this song before every game.





This, by the way, was written by a close friend. I think he wishes to remain anonymous, but I couldn't take all the credit for writing this. He emailed me this piece saying this was his imitation of my style.

Next stop: Mumbai!!

A very thrilling India-Pakistan semifinal that absolutely lived up to its enormous pre-game hype. So much so that even ESPN's main page was forced to take notice of this puny sport I love and cherish. This is a fairly long piece, but very insightful and manages to capture the essence of cricket and its place in India very accurately.

I stayed up all night to watch this (let me remind you that a one-day game lasts ~9 hours) and this picture summarizes all the emotions and thrill:

Lanka calling [source: cricinfo.com]

Friday night, co-hosts Sri Lanka and India will battle it out in Mumbai. I cannot wait. I am sure a billion plus Indians will agree with me as well.

UG Sports - 14: Cricket world cup round up

Boy oh boy. What a world England's been having. Normally, watching England play is like watching paint dry - dull, boring and cliched. But something has happened to the team this world cup. Maybe it's the fresh, sparkling Indian water they are drinking.

First came their thrilling match against India. The harsh lights of Bangalore, a rabidly partisan home crowd, and a century by Sachin Tendulkar - perfect recipe for a disaster of colossal proportions. And yet, the English fought back in style. The target was seemingly unreachable - 338. But Andrew Strauss played a captain's knock and England made it....just. They tied. A last ball tie. That night, hospitals across India and England were flooded with cardio patients, I bet.

Whew, that was a close game [bbc.co.uk]

Next they played their cross-channel rivals, Ireland. The Irish are newbies to cricket and on an island obsessed with rugby, cricketers usually get second billing, if at all. An easy match practice for England, right? Wrong. England chose the wrong day to take it easy. They amassed 327 runs and took the rest of the day off. Minnows Ireland were floundering at 115-5 when a flamboyantly pink-haired Kevin O'Brien decided to take matters into his own hands. A frighteningly powerful pair of arms, those. Clearly thinking this was just another net practice session, KO clobbered every English bowler all across the park with utter ruthlessness and dangerous ease. He scored his half century in just 20 balls and his century in 50. And just like that, the Irish engineered one of the greatest upsets of cricket. As England were left cursing "Oh Brien", the handful of Irish fans who dared to attend the match went wild. Accolades poured in from the home island, congratulating the team. KO has arrived.

Showed those pesky English a thing or two, didn't we?[perthnow.com.au]

You'd think a team beaten that badly would be demoralized and deflated like a day-old balloon. Judging by their performance against formidable South Africa, England is an exception. Although South Africa got them out cheaply for just 171 runs, England's bowlers won them yet another thriller. The proteas were in a very commanding position at 123-3, but over the next few overs, their middle order collapsed like the financial markets of 2008. James Anderson and Stuart Broad went on a rampage, a venture in which they were ably supported by slower bowlers like Swann. In the end, South Africa fell short by 6 runs. Hats off to these resilient English.

Yeah that's the way home, buddy. [stuff.co.nz]

That's it for this week. More next week.

UG Sports - 13: Weekly roundup of the cricket world cup

Hokay so...the last two sports posts dealt with the ins and outs of the good sport of cricket. I mentioned too that the cricket world cup is currently being held in India, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka.

Now let's do a roundup of significant events from last week. In order to minimize the actual amount of cricket you need to know to understand these posts, I am going to deal with the juicy parts:

• Kenya, Zimbabwe and Canada showed, yet again, why they are constantly referred to as the minnows of world cricket. All three of them lost in a spectacular fashion, their teams folding and crashing like a cheap and completely unstable house of cards. Compared to this terrible trio, the Cavs are magnificent winners. There, that should put things in perspective.

• A historic crowd turned out to watch Bangladesh take on India in the opener. In the recent years, Bangladesh has gone from sucking terribly to sucking slightly less terribly. The team went in with oversized expectations thrust upon their shoulders. And they lost. Quite badly. Sucks for the jubilant home crowd.

• England bowler Graeme Swann took a brief paternity leave to witness the birth of his son and then promptly flew back to join his team's "crucial" match against part-time cricketers Holland. When asked about the reaction of his son years from now, he quipped that he will tell Swann Jr. that he had to beat Holland. Good luck feeding him that pill, guvnah.

• You'd think that when Australia conveniently crushed Zimbabwe last week, their captain would be all smiles and hugs and tears. Nope. Big man Ricky Ponting got out in a poor fashion and was seen exiting the stadium muttering to himself. The next thing we know is that he went mental in the locker room and smashed a brand-new LCD TV with his bat. RIP Sony Bravia. You are a martyr to your brethren. Ricky, may I suggest anger management?

That's it for this week. More matches this weekend, meaning more tidbits next week.

A memorable losing streak comes to an end

What do you call a school that boasts a staggeringly shitty 310-game losing streak? Caltech, of course. Last time these techno-geeks won anything in basketball was in 1985, when the Gipper was still president and Americans everywhere were mortified about impending Japanese takeovers (that never materialized).

Our good friends at Yahoo couldn't resist themselves.

"The victory touched off a wild celebration on a campus where students typically only rejoice like that after acing a midterm."

Hardy har har. Hey guys, since we are talking about Caltech, let's sneak in a lame joke about what legendary nerds they are!

Anyway, you go Caltech.

Good job!

Is it a bird? A plane? No, it's Blake Griffin!

In a place they call the City of Angeles - a place full of gaudy restaurants, dizzying traffic and wide-open beaches  - there was a marvelous spectacle on Saturday night in an arena. A spectacle that was reminiscent of Rome in its debauchery-infused glorious heyday.

As the spectacle was winding down, it happened.

From the inside of a sleek silver vehicle, a bearded sage casually tosses a round ball in the air. A mystical figure shot through the air, his hands steady and ready, to grab the ball. This bird-like humanoid soared over the hood of the vehicle, levitated a few more feet in the air, and in a moment glistening with raw power, dropped the glowing ball into a netting attached to a board. He latched onto the netting as mere mortals around him erupted, their cheers and shouts laced with awe, fear and reverence.

Watch it for yourself:

UG Sports - 11: Cricket!

Part 1 of a very audacious and charitable multi-part series explaining the game on the eve of the world cup.

What has eleven players a side, two batsmen on the field at a time, one bowler, one wicketkeeper, is generally awesome AND has a very exciting world cup just around the corner?

If you answered cricket, you get a klondike bar and a permanent place in my hall of legit people.

A very nice cricket brawl in progress[world-cup11.tk]

Most Every American gives me a blank look when I bring up the sport of cricket. I usually hear crickets chirping every time I mention anything remotely connected with this all-around badass sport. The brave ones usually manage to sputter something like "Isn't that kindaaa like baseball?" or "The one where games last for days, right?"

Well fear not. Before the cricket world cup fever gets crazy, I will give you a very pleasant crash course on cricket. By the time you are done reading this post, you will know the different between a wide-ball and a no-ball and between a silly point and a silly mid-on. And no I am not making these terms up, nor am I pulling them out of thin air.

First, what's all the fuss about the world cup? Unlike the superbowl, the cricket world cup is held every four years. This very scarcity makes it a high-demand good. The first edition of the world cup was held in 1975 and Australia has won the most - 4. They are the Pittsburgh Steelers of cricket. By that logic, the West Indies would be the Oakland Raiders, both because they were very very good in their prime but suck a colossal amount these days. This year's world cup is being hosted jointly by India, Sri Lanka and Bangladesh.

This discussion of countries lets us segue into discussing the norms of the sport. Unlike the "big three" American sports, the most watched and prominent form of cricket is played between nations. As can be expected for a sport that originated in the land of the Queen, nations playing it are former colonies or dominions of the said land: India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand and the West Indies (you geography nerds may point out that West Indies is actually an artificial name foisted upon a group of islands, but in cricket these islands play as one "nation").

There are three forms of the game: Test, One-day and 20/20.

Test: The granddaddy of them all. This form lasts for five days, with about 9 hours of play each day. Two breaks a day, for lunch and tea. Yes you read that right. Cricket has a tea break. Outrageously enough, even after five days' worth of play, it is possible to have a draw game. You'd think spectators would throw bottles, bags full of worthless pennies or old cell-phones but no. Sometimes a draw is a moral victory for a side. Other times, it's just plain boring.

One-day: As its name suggests, this form takes a day - about 10 hours of play. The most popular form today, and the world cup is played in this form. Draws a lot of crowds and a ton of TV audience. Not possible to have draws, so no chances of riots. There have, however, been legendary riots because teams didn't perform to meet expectations of home crowds.

20/20: For those with the attention-span of a goldfish. The newest version of the game (which takes about 3 hours to finish) is also its loudest and the most controversial. The grumpy old fogies steadfastly cling to their romantic notions of the purity and the nobleness of the game - whatever the hell that means. Me? I like this version just fine. So do millions of other cricket-lovers, thank God.

I think I will stop here. As with all drugs, one must limit the dosage to avoid side effects.

UG sports - 10: Let me smoke a pack of steel

What a crazy, whacky football season this has been. If this season were a rollercoaster, it would be the most attractive ride at a Six Flags. Actually, Six Flags is bankrupt, so let me amend that analogy by substituting Paramount Great America for Six Flags.

Ok moving on. How unpredictable has this season actually been? Well, remember when the Cowboys were supposed to play the superbowl on their home turf? Or how Shanahan and Shanahan were going to take the Redskins to the playoffs?

Instead we got a season where the Jags almost won the AFC South, old man Favre became The God of Small Things, and Rex Ryan made himself the foot of a ton of jokes.

Now we are down to two teams. The Steelers are no strangers to superbowl. The Packers aren't either (a certain Vince Lombardi made sure they got thoroughly acquainted with it), but they went through considerably more to get here. While the Steelers sat back and enjoyed their status at the second seed, they had to work against the tide each week as the sixth seed wildcard.

And I could yap on and on, but I think others have been doing a ton of analysis. So I won't bore you anymore.

Here is my take on the game: Packers will win it, because Aaron Rodgers has been consistently better than Big Ben in the homestretch games (remember how the Steelers almost lost to the Ravens and Ben got sacked a bunch of times?). And although the Troy-powered defense will pose a tough challenge, the Packers have energy and boisterous enthusiasm on their side.

Either way, this should be a fun superbowl.

UG Sports - 9: Three birds and a bear walked into the divisional playoffs

Three birds, one animal and four nouns: that's your playoffs picture for this weekend, folks. Seriously though, this has to be an unprecedented number of birds in one playoff (if only the cardinals had made it...). I was pretty seriously wrong with my predictions last week (1 out of 4), but since when has being wrong stopped anyone from doing anything in this world?

So here we go:

Ravens vs. Steelers: I think it's about time we inducted this rivalry into the rivalry hall of fame. You know, alongside England-France in the dark ages, Yankees-Red Sox, Pepsi-Coca Cola, Heidi-Lauren from the Hills...
The Ravens were brutal last week as they flattened the hapless Chiefs with remarkable ease (so much for the perceived home-field advantage for the Chiefs). But the Steelers are no Chiefs. Troy "the zen master" Polandabcradabramalu can turn games around faster than you can blink and although Big Ben has looked shaky at times, there is a reason they call him Big Ben. The football nerds have been calling this a battle of safeties: Ed Reed from the Ravens and Troy from the Steelers. This one is tough to call, but my vote goes to the Ravens.

Falcons vs. Packers: It's here folks. The Falcons and Mattie Ryan have been virtually indestructible inside the Georgia Dome and the experts can't stop raving about this x factor. The Packers, on the other hand, are looking very dangerous every week. Their defense made Michael Vick look absolutely pedestrian last week, and Clay Matthews (the stringy, vaguely Steve Tyler look-alike) is the x factor on their side. Football runs in his blood, literally. He is the fourth generation of Matthews to play at the pro levels. The Saints made the Falcons look surprisingly mediocre in their MNF game in the regular season, so I think they are going to be
shaky. I am going to be grinning with Green Bay when then win.

Jets vs. Patriots: Boy that Rex Ryan simply won't shut up. This time he really put his foot in his mouth. Or shot himself in the foot (my goal here is to reach a hundred foot jokes before the end of postseason). After saying their game against the Colts was personal, Ryan has now called this game personal as well. Seems like he has a fetish for making things personal. You know what I think? Those who can't win talk. And talk. You never see Tom Brady yapping away. The patriots have been relentless this season and they seem to have an unlimited supply of Wide Receivers and Tight Ends that Brady can throw to. This one is easy: Patriots are kick the Jets out with their feet.

Seahawks vs. da Bears: I think it's time da Bears roll out the superbowl shuffle. No one expected the hawks to make it this far, and I certainly don't expect them to make it past this week. Marshawn Lynch can't roll around like a battering ram each week. Bears.

Now go place your bets, people. 

UG Sports - 8: playoff predictions

It's playoffs babby!!! Wildcard games on Saturday and Sunday.


Since everyone and his grandmother are going to be out on the streets making predictions, UG Sports has decided it will do the same. And we are providing this service free of cost. A pretty freaking good deal, I gotta say. Here are the predictions, in no particular order:


Colts - Jets: Although Indianapolis is missing several key players(Collie, Clark, Manning's magical arms) I don't expect the Jets to win. You see, Mark Sanchez is pretty overrated. And most of the Jets' wins this season were in tight games that could have gone either way. They were destroyed by the Patriots and lost again  - can you believe it - Miami. For the NY Jets, the luck stops here.   

Ravens - Chiefs: I will admit, I didn't get to watch the Chiefs play much this season, mostly because our local channels preferred to show other, more important games and also because..well they are the Chiefs. But lo and behold, after going 4-12 in 2009, the Chiefs upped their game dramatically and won their division.
Eh who am I kidding? The Ravens, although a bit wobbly at times, are still very very formidable. Plus they have my favorite Asian (ok ok half-Asian) player T.J. Houshmanzadeh. Ravin' bout the Ravens.

Saints-Seahawks:  The incredible Bucs and even the error-prone but still earnest Giants got stranded as the playoffs bus took off. Not these seahawks. They limped in. Proudly too. The defending champs are in an unfamiliar position here. Last year, they rolled through regular season and the playoffs like a Sherman tank. This year, it will be a slow march for them, like a buffalo wading through molasses. Reggie Bush can spontaneously create wormholes and warp spacetime to run faster than the speed of light AND he can clone himself. The buck stops here for Seattle.

Packers - Eagles: Easily the most explosive and most exciting game of the weekend. Anybody who knows a thing or two about football knows the Michael Vick express is steaming through stations (here at UG, we still operate steam engines) and although the Bears and the lowly Vikings stopped it, lightning doesn't strike thrice. You may have heard of DeSean Jackson too. The Packers are on a roll, but by Newton's laws anything that rolls has to stop sometime. Eagles will be 'Vick'torious. And I even made it without making a single bad pun about Vick...oh wait.




                                             
Blogger's disclaimer: All views delineated here - outrageous, moderate or otherwise - are solely the property of the blogger. He/she/it claims no responsibility for your remorse, frustration, guilt trips or large losses on foolish bets, nor can he/she/it guarantee any results. What, you thought this was a snuggie informercial? Read with a grain of salt.

UG Sports - 7: Playoffs

An hour before I scramble to my first class of this brand new quarter (Human Genetics - very fascinating, right?), I want to rattle off this post.

Yesterday was the last day of the NFL regular season. Today is bloody [or insert gruesome epithet of your choice] Monday, when coaches and other errant souls will be terminated mercilessly. With the end of regular season, the playoff picture is LED clear in both conferences.

NFC:
1. Atlanta "take that Vick" Falcons
2. Chicago Bears
3. Philadelphia Beagles Eagles (sorry for the horrible pun)
4. Seattle Seahawks (with a proud 7-9 record)
5. New Orleans Saints
6. Green Bay Packers

• Seattle won the yawnfest against St. Louis Rams in such an unspectacular fashion that I think the Saints effectively will have a bye next week.
• The Seahawks are the first team in NFL history to enter the playoffs with a losing record. Strut around, Whitehurst. 
• How absurd is it that the New York Giants, with a 10-6 record, were eliminated but Seattle got in?
• No more stagings of Hamlet: With their loss to Detroit Lions, the Minnesota Vikings ended up at the bottom of NFC north, like tea dredges, effectively ending Brett Favre's career. T.S. Eliot had it right: "This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper."

AFC:
1. New England Patriots
2. New England Patriots
3. New England Patriots
4...
5...
6...

Nah just kidding:
1. Patriots
2. Pittsburgh Steelers
3. Indy Colts
4. KC Chiefs
5. B'more Ravens
6. NY Jets (who hop-footed into the playoffs)

• Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? The Carolina Panthers finished with a 2-14 record. Brady Bunch mirrored that with 14-2. The previous three times they did this, they made it to the Super Bowl. The first time they did this, they ended up meeting the Panthers in Super Bowl 38. Weird.
• The chiefs??! Wow. I guess that will teach the Chargers not to slack off.
• After the Jets made it to the playoffs, boisterous Rex Ryan immediately proclaimed that his team will win it all. Somebody should tell him that repeating something a million times doesn't make it true.

Meanwhile in the NBA, the Lakers lost (yet again). Kobe Bryant, who fell asleep in the first half, woke up irritated in the second, but alas that wasn't enough. 

UG Sports - 6: Punday football edition

Freshly back from a weekend trip to Northern California, I am all ready and excited to do a roundup of sorts of today's ever-important football games.

• Freshly back from a concussion, Packers superman Aaron Rodgers put up mighty fine numbers to send the Giants packing home (except a snowstorm forced them to spend an extra night in the town). Eli Manning now leads the league in total interceptions - a giant problem indeed. Somewhat incredulously, the Giants can still make the playoffs and salvage their ship from sinking in the bay if they win next week and a few others thing happen.

• Although the New York Jets crash landed today and had to bear a tough loss to Chicago, they easily flew into the playoffs because the Redskins beat the Jaguars. I guess the Jets have a "foot" in the door after all. 

• With Peyton efficiently manning the reins, the Colts galloped to a victory over the Oakland, which was obviously not prepared to withstand the raid.

• Meanwhile in the garbage dump NFC West, San Francisco was rammed against the wall by Sam Bradford and company and was eliminated from playoff contention. Their coach Mike Singletary was singled out by the top brass for dismissal as well. 

Some other stuff happened as well (e.g. Brady threw a gazillion passes w/o an interception; his hair joined the fray by throwing a few passes as well.)but I am all punned out for now. Lame. 

UG Sports - 5: MAD (Mini and a day early) edition

Since I am out of town for the next 8 days and don't have copious amounts of free time, I will do a mini version of UG Sports a day early.

I will talk only about football (the pigskin version, not the traitor version the Brits play) this week due to obvious reasons.

• THE NFL SEASON OPENER!!!! Vikings v. Saints. 'nuff said.
• Despite getting into what has been called a mysterious car accident, Patriots QB Tom Brady was declared unhurt and attended practice. Do we need more proof that the man is indestructible? Somewhere, the Baltimore Ravens are cursing the football Gods...
• After weeks of riveting off-the-field drama, including an apology that wasn't really an apology, the Reggie Bush-Heisman-USC affair perhaps reached its peak this week when the powers that be demanded the Heisman back. For the first time in its history, the Heisman trust is rescinding the prestigious award. 
• Things are not going USC's way, are they? As if being severely sanctioned by the NCAA and embarrassed by Reggie Bush wasn't enough, former Trojan star (and Heisman winner) Matt Leinart was kicked out by the Arizona Cardinals because he sucked. Leinart signed a one-year deal with the Houston Texans. Can you say Burrrrrrrrrn? 

Meanwhile, Tiger "Am I out of the" Woods made it to the Ryder cup team. So much drama for such a predictable result.

UG Sports - 4: Favors and favours

 A pretty tepid week of sports in terms of actual sporting events. Plenty of extracurricular drama though. But before we get into that, enjoy this gem courtesy of youtube:


 Don't try this at home.Please.

• Football: His highness Brett "Hamlet" Favre finally decided to end his annual circus and announced he will play one more season with the Vikings. This gracious gesture was reportedly a "favor" Brett did for his beloved teammates, three of whom specially flew down to the majesty's palace to cajole him into playing with them one more year. Very gracious of you Brett, considering you got a substantial pay raise. I guess by doing them a favor, you made an offer they couldn't refuse.

Brett Favre as Marlon Brando, making an offer nobody could refuse.

 

 

 

 

 

•  Soccer aka traitor football: A lot of exciting things happened this week. Well, exciting if you are not Aston Villa, Wigan or Blackpool supporters. You see, all these sorry excuses for teams got schooled in football by Newcastle United, Chelsea and Arsenal six to nothing. That's right. Arsenal scored more goals than the French and the Italian teams combined during the world cup. So thank you Blackpool, Wigan and Villa for this little favour.

Blackpool FC: "We strive to please. Doing football fans worldwide a huge favour"

•  Out of the woods? Tiger "I drop off a cliff faster than a '68 Roadster" Woods did the public a huge favor by finalizing his divorce with his wife Elin Nordegren. Look dude, your wife showed a lot of class during this colossal trainwreck so I think it's time for you to show some class in return. One presumes Woods was sufficiently chastised, since he hired one divorce lawyer to Nordegren's EIGHT. One person who clearly enjoyed the fallout is Rachel Uchitel, one of Tiger's many many mistresses. Uchitel, slated to appear on Celebrity rehab with Dr. Drew, promptly announced she wants to marry Tiger now that he is available. No word from Nordegren yet. Meanwhile, Tiger's golf game is probably thanking him as well. Tiger showed a surprised improvement this week playing at Barclays. Maybe monkhood will catapult him to the top again.

 Now if only James Cameron had been gracious enough to refrain from releasing Avatar again...

UG Sports - 3: British Invasion

Alright ladies and gents and boys and girls, settle down for yet another special edition of UG Sports. Today we will be discussing stuff that happened (and will happen) across the pond, so in honor of that savor this youtube video:




We will focus almost exclusively on football today. Yes that football.

More than a month after the FIFA World Cup, parched soccer football fans finally got to quench their thirst last week as the English Premier League began its new season.

On the day of the opener, Arsenal manager (and strangely, very appropriately named) Arsene Wenger made the headlines by calling the league's new squad rules "ridiculous" and "paralysing" (note my use of the British spelling). This season, the league has decided to limit each squad to 25  members, with at least 8 domestic (i.e. British) players to promote growth of football in Britain. Of course, Wenger is French and that is reason enough to discount his irritation. As is widely known, the French have been jealous of the British since the dawn of civilization.

The opener was fairly dull. Tottenham Hotspur(yes the Brits have a thing for funky team names) drew drowsily (see what I did there?) with Manchester City 0-0. City goalie Joe Hart played an important role in this game though, saving a bunch of potential goals.

Stewart Downing scored the first goal of this season in Aston Villa (no relation to the car that James Bond drives) crushed West Ham (that's the one west of East Ham) 3-0.

Some ho-hum games followed. Chelsea pounded West Bromwich Albion 6-0. In other words, the usual.

On to the widely anticipated Sunday clash: Arsenal v. Liverpool. Liverpool recently hired a new manager, Roy Hodgson. The man has a football resume the length of your right arm. Arsenal is still led by Arsene Wenger. Seriously, the guy's been around the club long enough to count as a piece of furniture.
It was a pretty exciting game, to be honest. Would have been infinitely more exciting for Liverpool fans if goalie Pepe Reina hadn't made a mess of things by letting an own goal in. Liverpool had things pretty much under control despite Joe Cole (transfer from Chelsea, no relation to the controversial Chelsea player Ashley Cole) being sent off in the first half. They almost cruised to FT on David Ngog's goal until the disastrous own goal happened. Oh well.



And someone finally had enough cojones to call David Beckham too old to play for England again. Cheers.

UG Sports - 2: The expendables edition

 
To commemorate the release of the entirely badass Sylvester Stallone vehicle (seriously, the man wrote, produced, acted in and directed the whole thing. Is there anything he cannot do?)the Expendables, here is a special UG Sports update.

• Tiger tiger burning bright: Noted serial philanderer and former golf great Tiger Woods was the center of attention this week. Multiple outlets covered his stunning parabola of doom and there was a lot of speculation regarding his place in the US team for the Ryder cup. But he wasn't the only one getting the attention. Seems like a couple other individuals finally got fed up with the selfish, spotlight-hogging Woods and decided to do something about it. Corey Pavin created his own little firestorm when he issued a statement saying he would make a special  exception for Woods, but then promptly retracted it using the stock phrase "I was misquoted." Enter Jim Gray. Notorious already for his botched LeBron interview during the Decision, Gray didn't help himself much when he called Pavin a liar and told him "You're going down" right in the middle of a freaking press conference. Bring your own popcorn folks! Golf has never been so much fun...

     The bad, the ugly and the uglier

• Futbol: After a seriously lackluster worldcup where its overhyped stars failed to make their collective presence felt, the chastened Barclays Premier League will kickoff its new season on Saturday. Tottenham Hotspurs take on a dramatically improved Manchester City. Meanwhile, its Spanish counterpart La Liga (simply elegant name, isn't it?), which had much more success at the world cup, begins its new season at the end of the month. I talked about soccer specifically so I could show this amazing t-shirt I saw the other day near my university campus:

 

• Basketball: Pretty awesome hall of fame ceremony tonight. Scottie Pippen showing lot of class and humility tonight, in stark contrast to His Airness, who on this very stage last year taunted and mocked his critics.

I think that's it for this week. Some type of baseball action happened during the week, I'm sure, but I don't really care. Some NFL teams played some exhibition games too, but again, I don't care.
Oh yeah, go watch the Expendables. I know I am watching it.