The little furry engine of deviousness that could...

I am in exceptional spirits today (partly due to the fact that one of my favorite TV shows White Collar delivered a solid episode), but that doesn't mean I have to cease my crusade against all things undesirable. Today's topic: CATS. Cats are the most devious, diabolical and cunning creatures running around. What makes them so dangerous is that they are able to masquerade as cute little furballs. Like this one here:

Yes don't let those beady eyes and the fancy hat fool you. This little critter is a walking, purring factory of evil ideas and bad tidings. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at a few example then:

• The wind-up bird chronicle by Haruki Murakami. You don't have to read this 624 pages-long Japanese novel. I have done that for you so trust me on this. Toru Okada is living a benign, some would say dull, existence when things start going bad. Really bad. Very bizarre, inexplicable things start happening to him and around him. His wife leaves him suddenly, he gets a mysterious scar on his cheeks, he gets contacted by mind psychics and visits hotel rooms in his vivid dreams. Right after, wait for it, his CAT Noburu Wataya (named after his brother-in-law, a wannabe politician with a massive ego and some perverse desires) disappears.

• The cheshire cat in Lewis Carroll's Alice in wonderland. This cat appears and vanishes at will. Fair enough occurrence in a novel with a rabbit running late for a tea party. But a cat that not only appears and vanishes at will, but also leaves a wide, creepy grin behind? Now that's evil. Pure evil.

Look at the mean smile on his face!

•  Garfield the cat: Possibly the most scheming creature in the cartoon world (I am not counting Tom the cat because his ideas always fail). Whenever he is not sleeping or wolfing down lasagna, he is finding ways to: a) Make Jon's life miserable, or b) Kick Odie the poor, unsuspecting dog in the rear. 

• Ever hear of a dog-burglar? Neither have I. Notice how it's always a cat-burglar who robbed the Smiths last night.  

I rest my case.
Edit: My colleague Lafayette has this to say about cats: They use us for food, but they would rather use us for food.... Well said, my friend.