UG Sports - 7: Playoffs

An hour before I scramble to my first class of this brand new quarter (Human Genetics - very fascinating, right?), I want to rattle off this post.

Yesterday was the last day of the NFL regular season. Today is bloody [or insert gruesome epithet of your choice] Monday, when coaches and other errant souls will be terminated mercilessly. With the end of regular season, the playoff picture is LED clear in both conferences.

NFC:
1. Atlanta "take that Vick" Falcons
2. Chicago Bears
3. Philadelphia Beagles Eagles (sorry for the horrible pun)
4. Seattle Seahawks (with a proud 7-9 record)
5. New Orleans Saints
6. Green Bay Packers

• Seattle won the yawnfest against St. Louis Rams in such an unspectacular fashion that I think the Saints effectively will have a bye next week.
• The Seahawks are the first team in NFL history to enter the playoffs with a losing record. Strut around, Whitehurst. 
• How absurd is it that the New York Giants, with a 10-6 record, were eliminated but Seattle got in?
• No more stagings of Hamlet: With their loss to Detroit Lions, the Minnesota Vikings ended up at the bottom of NFC north, like tea dredges, effectively ending Brett Favre's career. T.S. Eliot had it right: "This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper."

AFC:
1. New England Patriots
2. New England Patriots
3. New England Patriots
4...
5...
6...

Nah just kidding:
1. Patriots
2. Pittsburgh Steelers
3. Indy Colts
4. KC Chiefs
5. B'more Ravens
6. NY Jets (who hop-footed into the playoffs)

• Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? The Carolina Panthers finished with a 2-14 record. Brady Bunch mirrored that with 14-2. The previous three times they did this, they made it to the Super Bowl. The first time they did this, they ended up meeting the Panthers in Super Bowl 38. Weird.
• The chiefs??! Wow. I guess that will teach the Chargers not to slack off.
• After the Jets made it to the playoffs, boisterous Rex Ryan immediately proclaimed that his team will win it all. Somebody should tell him that repeating something a million times doesn't make it true.

Meanwhile in the NBA, the Lakers lost (yet again). Kobe Bryant, who fell asleep in the first half, woke up irritated in the second, but alas that wasn't enough. 

UG Sports - 4: Favors and favours

 A pretty tepid week of sports in terms of actual sporting events. Plenty of extracurricular drama though. But before we get into that, enjoy this gem courtesy of youtube:


 Don't try this at home.Please.

• Football: His highness Brett "Hamlet" Favre finally decided to end his annual circus and announced he will play one more season with the Vikings. This gracious gesture was reportedly a "favor" Brett did for his beloved teammates, three of whom specially flew down to the majesty's palace to cajole him into playing with them one more year. Very gracious of you Brett, considering you got a substantial pay raise. I guess by doing them a favor, you made an offer they couldn't refuse.

Brett Favre as Marlon Brando, making an offer nobody could refuse.

 

 

 

 

 

•  Soccer aka traitor football: A lot of exciting things happened this week. Well, exciting if you are not Aston Villa, Wigan or Blackpool supporters. You see, all these sorry excuses for teams got schooled in football by Newcastle United, Chelsea and Arsenal six to nothing. That's right. Arsenal scored more goals than the French and the Italian teams combined during the world cup. So thank you Blackpool, Wigan and Villa for this little favour.

Blackpool FC: "We strive to please. Doing football fans worldwide a huge favour"

•  Out of the woods? Tiger "I drop off a cliff faster than a '68 Roadster" Woods did the public a huge favor by finalizing his divorce with his wife Elin Nordegren. Look dude, your wife showed a lot of class during this colossal trainwreck so I think it's time for you to show some class in return. One presumes Woods was sufficiently chastised, since he hired one divorce lawyer to Nordegren's EIGHT. One person who clearly enjoyed the fallout is Rachel Uchitel, one of Tiger's many many mistresses. Uchitel, slated to appear on Celebrity rehab with Dr. Drew, promptly announced she wants to marry Tiger now that he is available. No word from Nordegren yet. Meanwhile, Tiger's golf game is probably thanking him as well. Tiger showed a surprised improvement this week playing at Barclays. Maybe monkhood will catapult him to the top again.

 Now if only James Cameron had been gracious enough to refrain from releasing Avatar again...

UG Sports - 1

Hey folks, we had our first international visitors over the past couple days (Argentina, India and North Dakota). Yes we had a hit from Canada, but as we all know, Canada does not count as international. North Dakota, on the other hand, absolutely does.

Anyway, a few of our loyal readers complained about the utter lack of sports on UG. And since we at UG try our very best to satisfy our readers. So here is the plan: every Friday I will make a sports post on UG rounding up the important events of the week.

Brett "Hamlet" Favre mulling his options

•  Football: Brett "Hamlet" Favre pulls off another "Will I-Won't I" stunt. Favre reportedly sent text messages to Vikings teammates saying he was done but when questioned about it the next day, denied doing anything of that sort. Wassamatter Brett? Your dog sent those texts? Meanwhile, Vikings players not ruffled by these shenanigans at all. I guess they are too busy enjoying the staging of Hamlet-2 (or is it 3?)

No one cares, Alex...

• Baseball: Noted steroid user Alex Rodriguez hit his 600th home-run, becoming the youngest player in history to do so. If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Nuff said.  

• Basketball: The Giant Leprechaun!!!! Yes, Shaquille O'Neal, the legend and gazillion time all-star who brought us this monstrosity: Kazaam , signed a 2-year deal with the Boston Celtics. This act by O'Neal promptly spurred the sports world into coining various nicknames for the big guy. Ones I like: The giant leprechaun, The big shamrock, and the Jolly Green Giant.